Managing Conflict II

Last month we began to look at managing conflict by looking at Jesus’ teaching on relationships and resolving issues. We saw that we should always take the initiative in resolving conflicts by going to our brother in private and only if that doesn’t work, should we involve someone else. Our goal is restoration of relationship, which is very important to God.

There are dangers in avoiding conflict and dangers in aggressively engaging in conflict. Most people follow one of these strategies: Fight or flight, aggression or avoidance, but neither of these provides an effective long-term technique for managing conflict. We all have different personalities and temperaments; some of us are less confrontational than others. Nevertheless, we must develop the skills of confronting others when necessary. King David provides us with a good example of mismanaged conflict from which we can learn several lessons in 2 Samuel 14:1 – 15:37.

Absalom had heard that his half-brother, Amnon, had raped his half-sister, Tamer, yet he failed to confront Amnon. Instead, he deceitfully arranged for Amnon’s murder two years later and fled after the deed was done (2 Samuel 13).

King David had failed to discipline or confront Amnon (2 Samuel 13:21-22), and was now shirking his responsibility to settle his conflict with Absalom, even though Absalom wanted to meet his father. David only relented after Joab entreated him to restore Absalom following 3 years of banishment. However, even after allowing him back in the city, David refused to see Absalom for a further 2 years until Absalom forced the issue and the meeting finally took place. It was in many ways too late; Absalom had become embittered against his father and conspired to take the kingdom from David.

David’s conflict avoidance strategy not only failed to resolve the initial issue but caused the conflict to escalate. If he had dealt promptly with the issues surrounding Amnon and Absalom, Amnon’s murder and Absalom’s conspiracy might well have been avoided.

The key to conflict management is prompt reconciliation by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). Effective conflict managers know how to balance truth (confrontation) and love (reconciliation). We can only learn to be effective peacemakers by dealing directly with disagreements and seeking amicable resolutions. If we try to resolve conflict by looking to punish rather than restore we are not acting in love. God came not to judge to world but to save the world. On the other hand, the issues need to be dealt with. David shows us that turning away from dealing with issues strains relationships and inevitably compounds the problem. Avoidance allows bitterness and alienation.

            You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

            Matthew 5:43-45 (NKJV)

Jesus shows us three important ways to love our enemies, or those we are in conflict with:

1. Develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. Such forgiveness doesn’t mean that we ignore the wrong committed against us, but that we no longer allow the wrong to be a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is the catalyst to create an atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning.
2. We must recognise that the wrong we’ve suffered doesn’t represent the other person’s identity. We need to acknowledge that our opponent is just like us, while we are in the flesh we have both good and bad qualities. We must choose to see them from God’s perspective (2 Corinthians 5:16).
3. Seek not to defeat or humiliate the other person, but to win their friendship and understanding. Such an attitude flows not from our flesh but from God as His unconditional love works in us.

We usually think about conflict being negative, however, conflict itself doesn’t have to be negative. Conflict is not something that simply needs to be resolved as though getting through it and moving on is the ultimate goal. Strengthening the relationship is the real goal. We often wrongly assume that spiritual maturity will lead to fewer conflicts. The difference between maturity and immaturity is not whether conflicts exist but in our attitude toward them and our approach in handling them.

The apostle Paul gives us the keys to managing conflict with the goal of a positive outcome:

            I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (NKJV)

Christians who live up to their calling (v1) must “keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (v3). Cementing unity between those participating in the conflict is the greatest achievement. Verses 2 and 3 show us what attitude we should maintain when facing conflict – be completely humble, be patient, bear with one another in love, make every effort to keep the unity. Imagine how people would approach conflict if humility, gentleness and patience provided the context in which all participants viewed the solution, and if unity and peace were the sole motives!