Managing Conflict – 1
Conflict is part of life. We all find ourselves in situations where relationship conflict is unavoidable; none of us can totally eliminate disagreements or clashes of personality. However, how we handle conflict will not only dictate our future, and whether or not we fulfil our calling, but will also affect the other person’s future.
The question is not, “Will I face conflicts?” but “How can I best manage conflicts when they arise?”
Jesus dealt head on with the issue of conflicts brought about by us causing offense or being offended by others.
Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24 (NKJV)
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17 (NKJV)
While Jesus is addressing sin in these passages, there is a broader principle in these teachings that applies to conflict. Regardless of which side has caused the problem, the solution is the same: First, go to the person with whom you are experiencing a conflict and address the issue face to face. Do not involve anyone else unless absolutely necessary, especially if their knowledge of the situation will worsen the problem for the offending individual. Some discussions tend to intensify the conflict and further undermine the relationship. Sadly, even in church the number of broken relationships is increasing, which shows us that this basic principle is often over-looked and Christians are often too afraid of dealing with conflict.
The fact that we are not appalled by the number of broken relationships and the hostility between people within the church is a sad indicator of our spiritual health as God’s own people. The so-called ‘sins’ that are too often exclusively focused upon are lifestyle issues such as drinking and sexual immorality etc, rather than facing issues of relationship and how to esteem others above ourselves (Phil 2:3).
Jesus summed up the whole teaching of the Old and New Testament in one word, “LOVE”. “Love God and love people,” He says. Grudges, gossip and slander – these are done in direct defiance to Jesus’ command of love and most Christians tolerate these all the time!
Jesus tells us to first go to the person on our own. Furthermore, we should go to the person quickly. Jesus counselled us that, even if we remember that we have offended a friend in the middle of worship, the appropriate response is to stop and go and sort it out. With these words, Jesus makes it quite clear that relationships are more important than hollow, empty worship. The truth is that you cannot truly worship God and hold onto an offence with one of His children! This is the message of 1 John. This tends to upset those who say their first priority is God and there is nothing more important than worship; but without love, worship is just a ritual which has only the appearance of true worship.
We cannot guarantee that the offended brother will accept us, but we are obligated to make every effort “as far as it depends on us” – Romans 12:18.
It is interesting that Jesus’ advice is always to take the initiative. When you have done something wrong, you go and make it right and when someone else has wronged you, you still take the first step.
Jesus is not asking us to do something that He has not already modelled for us. He gave up heaven and came down to earth, He became obedient unto death to repair your broken relationship with God. In Jesus Christ, it was God who took the initiative. People and relationships are very important to God; they are central to the Gospel. How much do we value the community that Christ’s death made possible? Will you value it enough to take the initiative in resolving relationship breakdowns?